As youíve seen I finished the book that Iíve been working on for most of the time that Iíve operated this domain. It feels great and I think in some ways it marks a change in the eras of my life. Henceforth referred to as BCG and ACG (before and after Circle Games). No, no matter what anyone says, no matter what anyone thinks Iím a writer. I write, and I must write; and while you may have believed this before, I may have doubted it. Now, I donít doubt my writerly existence (ability and skill are always fair game). With enough work, time and inspiration, I feel like I can do anything. It may sound kind of hokey and pretentious, but I ensure that its not.
For the entire length of my recorded presence on line, Iíve kept my age fairly secrete. Partially because when I started 4 or so years ago, I was 13-14 (for those of you who donít feel like doing the math or donít have enough fingers, that would make me 16—17 in three months) and I wanted to be taken seriously. Four years changes a few things, and Iím no longer as invested in other peopleís (virtual) impression of my age. Before the internet was my primary publication venue, and in order to reach respectable audiences and gain a reputation, I think I needed to present myself in a certain way. I never lied, technically, though I admit I did chose words carefully with the intention of creating an image that was several years ahead of the current reality. But no longer. If I want to publish some writing on the internet, people will either have to accept me in terms of who I am, and on the basis of my work, or (and this will likely be far more common) Iíll be publishing on TealArt and CollectiveArts, where Iím in control.
I think know would be a good time to explain Chris. He got added to this effort at some point, but I donít think we ever really explained how we know each other. 3-4 years ago, we frequented an IRC (internet relay chat) Channel (#babylon5, and later #babcom2 as well on the Undernet, for those of you that care). Not that we ever talked about Babylon 5, really, but we have/had that common connection. Really the best conversations we had in that channel, or the ones that I really remember were about American Literature and how much we didnít like it, but it was bore than just a bitching session, because in retrospect our arguments were fairly well constructed. Gosh, the things I did/do in my free time. In any case, we just started talking, and we havenít really stopped. Thereís a good deal of variation, but we tend to average 7-15 thousand words of IM transcripts a week. Oh, and heís all of two years older than me.
Despite the fact that Iíve known that my family reads this journal, itís finally starting to sink in and Iím starting to feel watched and hovered over. Iím trying to ignore this as best I can. So I have a favor to ask of you three, and anyone else whose still reading: leave comments on the entries as a way of telling me that youíve read the entry and are interested in what Iíve said (and want to further a discussion). Being told ìOh I read your website,î by family freaks me out still. Commenting is really cool, and Iíd like you all to add your thoughts. Please?
We interrupt this irregularly scheduled Personal Update to mention that in case you were wondering, there is some semblance of a coherent point hidden somewhere in here. Thank You.
Thereís no really easy way to do this so, Iíll try not to flounder around too much. Iím gay. But if youíve spent any time reading this site, and hadnít guessed that by now, youíre not very good at reading subtly. Not that Iíve been using this site as the penultimate closet case weblog, but for any number of reasons it wasnít time to come out yet, so I didnít. Now, though, Iím as ready as one can get. Which is to say, not very, but Iíd grown to a place where If I didnít come out soon, I might have completely broken. So time for all the questions I know youíre asking: Yes Iím completely sure, for god only knows what reason, I doubted and questioned for a year and floundered around a lot, but after a year of agitation, everything finally settled and it all became clear. For those of you wondering the order in which I came out to people, here it is: Tracy, Chris K., Rachel, Molly/Anna S., Alex P., Mary, Anna T., Alex S., Eric, Halley, Chris A., and so forth; after a while it becomes kind of nebulous and hard to track. Yes, Iím the only out/semi-out guy in my school of 236, and while we have bets on a few people, weíll just have to wait and see. Iím not dating anyone, even in the vaguest of definitions, and while Iím open to the prospect in theory, I realize that itís kind of impractical right now, and everythingís comfortably cool.
Itís been said that being gay is hard, that itís a hard life. First of all, I thank whoever said that for not using the word lifestyle, because after all diets and life has very little in common. Second of all, I think the gay part has very little to do with anything. Life isnít easy, itís not for the faint of heart (bad pun, I know, I know). The only thing that I know is that I have absolutely no control over being gay, not that Iíd want to. Itís part of me, of who I am and I like me just the way I am. Also, I can tell you that the extra difficulty that being gay adds to life is virtually non-existent in comparison to being gay and locked on your ever shrinking closet.
Itís a continuing saga, and I think now that Iíve made this jump; youíll see a few more things on this subject.
Iím happy, and each time Iíve come out to someone, after the initial milliseconds of fear before they respond, I feel as if Iíve woken up, as if Iím starting to become hole. Even on a cloudy day, it feels like a bright shiny morning. Thatís why itís right, because deep down in my bones it feels right, it feels like what I need to do, and it feels like me: I have to trust this, or else I canít really trust anything.
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This isn’t the personal update that I promised, that’s still forthcoming. Right now I have a real short little ditty that I need to post.
On March 29th at 12:50 CST while listening to Silly Wizard’s version of Andy M. Stewert’s “The Queen of Argyll” on constant repeat for sevral hours, after returning from the Tioniol (Mississippi River Celtic Music Festival) Friday Night Celidh (At the St. Louis Brewery and Taproom) with music by Bohola) I completed the very first first draft of Circle Games. My Novel.
Statistics:
100,732 words
454 Pages
23 Chapters + a Prologue and an Epilogue
1.36 megabyte MS Word XP file
9 months of work.
Never before have I looked forward to revisions, like I’m looking forward to them now. I want to get through this, I’ve gotten past a really difficult first step, one that I don’t know if I ever though I’d be able to really pass, and now I’m there and its done. I feel like it’s all down hill from here.
I’ve decided to work on a collection of short fiction this summer rather than another novel. I want to get a piece in the Blithe House Quarterly, and I want to get stuff for The Fray, among other things, but I also want to have a good body of work. I’ll also be working on revisions. Goggle anything that I didn’t put a link on, sorry, I’m about to try to sleep though I’m really excited. Cheers!
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28th March
The Disillusioned Geek
A lot of people are pretty good with computers, a lot of people are reassembly geeky but Iím about as good as they come. I mean there are people who have degreeís in Computer Science and Information Science/Technology who can do stuff that I canít, more because I donít have the training than because Iím incapable of the task. I can navigate my way through the internet and Iím always on top of new developments, anymore through circumstance and coincidence than through any active effort on my part. In addition to all of the mainstream sources that seem to have a direct wire into my brain, Iím very tuned into the human side of the internet, and have a lot of connections and helpful friends. The whole world really is at my finger tips. But being an A-list geek isnít all about the internet and being connected, itís also about being able to navigate local programs and possessing the ability to optimize your software so that it fits with my working style, rather than optimize my working style to fit with the software. Its also about being able to understand, even on the most fundamental level, how programming works, and the nuts and bolts of everything fits together, this isnít to say that you should be able to program or debug on your own, but you should be able to follow and exploit the kinds of logical process that programmers use. And you know what? I got it. I got it all.
I doubt a lot about myself. A whole lot. My ability to succeed academically, my writing, my completion, my indecisiveness, and so forth. I think Iím allowed one area where I can completely kick ass in, one area where I can say ìIím just as good if not better as anyone out there,î and feel good. Iím not being standoffish here, itís the truth.
But thereís a problem. I donít care. Itís not so great, knowing how to do all of these things is all well and good, but there comes a point where you have to step beyond the screen and make it into something more. Look at the big picture and see that computers are a tool to accomplish your goal. People forget that too often or at least the normal brand of geek hasnít moved beyond the ìcomputers are a toolî clause.
An example. Mobile Technology. The people who are really into mobile technology, or at least the ones who do really good with publishing about mobile tech are people who donít really use the tech, because they spend most of their day in front of big computers that do everything they need, and the truth of the matter is that they are thus unable to regularly put their units under the kinds of realistic tests that us normal people live with day in and day out. In this environment the geeks become people who have moved from using a technology because it helps them accomplish essential tasks to using a technology because ìitís the coolest most exciting new thing around and it can do all of these fancy things, dude!î
And it goes beyond that. It goes beyond one sector, one area. The problem is that the geeks are moving in directions and doing things and removing the purpose and point, and moving the whole realm of ëgeekynessí into an area that that has ceased to serve an end. And Iíve become disillusioned.
On a mostly unrelated note, I some how managed to break the display function for the comments on here, but posting comments should still work, even if you canít see them. In other news weíve decided to open a Notebook-type site but weíre still working on names. Another day or two. And that personal update is coming, and will probably come out in conjunction with the aux site.
And By the Way this is Entry Number 100. Between Quotes and Links and the Journal and all of the test entries I was forced to do to get the delay in positng to disapear, we’ve hit 100. Here’s to many more. Cheers.
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26th March
Site Updates
Every so often I feel the necessity to write a little ditty here to tell you about what’s happened and what we have planed, despite the fact that it goes most of the blogging directives that I subscribe to. Alas. I still feel like we need to do it from time to time. So here it goes.
Weíve added Peter McCabe as a contributor; you saw his post Iím sure. His perspective and dynamic will really enhance the site as we have it now, and Iím really looking forward to what heíll come up with in the coming weeks and months. Iím also on the look out for another Teal Artist person, but I have fairly specific requirements, so the search is slow, but eventually Iíd like to add another person here. If anyoneís interested, Iíd like to hear from you, but Iím being picky with this, so donít take any rejections personally.
A long time ago, we added a fourth skin (before the site dump), and I donít think I ever posted about that. Iím finally pretty happy with what I see in or selection of designs, thereís a fifth skin hanging around somewhere, but itís not perfect yet, so itíll be a little while until we see that kind of design development, but I think what we have now is sufficient, and I really donít like that aspect of web design very much at all, so it left up to the free time in Chrisí schedule. I wouldnít hold your breath.
Commenting on the TealArt blog has been restored. Sometime when I have more than half a brain and Iím in the mood to do some coding, Iíll write up a page so that you all can register. Registration makes commenting easier, and youíll be able to edit your words without needing divine intervention. Enjoy, and we really thrive on knowing that there are people out there are paying attention to shouts into the night.
I think we referenced ìthe auxiliary siteî at one point, and that disserves a little explanation. Chris bought a domain and installed b2, and proceeded to double all of his TealArt posts onto his website along with some other more random things, like poetry and quick rants, but for the most part it was a quick and sloppy thing without a direction to speak of. So during a late night IM conversation that was meandering through the dark caves of nothingness, Chris comments that it might be kind fun if we posted our IM transcripts at the end of every week. It was wacky, and it was just weird enough that it might work. TealArt didnít quite seem like the right place for such foolishness, wiped Chrisí site clean, whipped up a design that was mostly stolen from a free blog template site, and started posting.
The idea was to have a site where we were removed from what passes for our real personas, and would thus be able to say anything without it being connected to what readers of this site or of CollectiveArts might think. Iím not going to tell you the URL, and I bet you wonít guess it. It was to be fast, campy, zany, honest, blunt, and for the most part completely removed from our real lives. We even post under false names, mostly for kicks. Itís a great idea and I donít know how itíll turn out. Weíre considering transitioning that site into a ìTealArt Notebookî that would take the aux siteís place, but ultimately thatís not my decision, so weíll see.
CollectiveArts is getting close to the fabled re-launch, though Iím waiting on a couple more profiles. I think itís going to be really cool, but weíll see how things fall once itís really live. For a while we had our nameís linked to our CollectiveArts profiles but I think ultimately that doesnít represent the kind of work that weíre doing here at TealArt, so I think sometime soon weíre going to write up better ëaboutí pages for your enjoyment. For me, at least, a good about page can make or break a blog, and itís been on my list for a really long time, so maybe weíll finally get around to it.
There are a host of other personal updates, but Iíll keep my own stuff out of the ìSite Updateî save that for tomorrow. Cheers!
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